Autobiographies are a waste of paper unless they are so honest it hurts. Plus my motto is never tell anyone about your life unless it makes them cry or laugh. Otherwise, people rarely care because there's no entertainment value to leech off. Is that why i try to sound interesting when really, i'm a bundle of insecurities? mmm... yeah... probably.
On to my story proper.
Remember my whole speech about living your life? And embracing hurts and pains as they come your way because, really, you can't avoid them anyways? Well, I'm a hypocrate. I'm struggling with that. Massively. Must be the cosmic law of irony God's put in place to keep loudmouths in check.
Right. So i'm thrashing, in the baby pool, because like i said - i'm a bundle on insecurities.
I meet a girl, whom i think is amazingly complicated, extraordinarily intriguing, mind-numbingly cautious and yes, rather svelte i must say. She's a mixture of grace and impudence - she could be the most luxurious down pillow on your cheek or hard grit sand paper across a scrapped knee - sometimes the wolf in lamb's clothing and othertimes it's vice versa. Quite scary i'm sure you agree.
The point is, i think she's awesome. But like all men who've been overfed that devil-may-care bravado, i'm suddenly very scared. What if i fall for her, and then what? She's decides life is already tough, lets not burden ourselves with more potential for organ failure. Then i'm on the floor - devastated - and taking swigs of my mother's yomeishu - leftover from her last pregnancy - cos real alcohol hurts my head.
Shit. What then? .................... Oh right, i take my own sad advice. SHIT!!!
Anyways, i do what i always do when the bible isn't near at hand - I bring up my MSN window. I manage to talk to a good friend. She is totally inspiring.
She reminds me that when you like someone, you cannot expect anything in return. Most you can do is open your palm, stretch it out, and say with all your heart, "I've got tickets to an excellent play. I know nothing about culture or finesse, but would you like to watch it with me?"
The more you clutch on to something, the more it slips out of your hand. So she advises to let things ride, to let it fall out and take its own form. Besides, when and IF she does come around and decide those tickets are worth the trouble, at least you know she came cos she wanted to.
Just a couple of days ago, i was on top of my game. Now i feel like an absolute train wreck. But that's good, means i've got nothing to rely on but God. That's good, right?................. oh crap, i'm screwed.
