Wednesday, June 07, 2006
I've been having a little draught of words. Not because I haven't got anything to say, just that, nothing sounds like me. It's like the flow and rhythm of writing has suddenly disappeared. The past couple of weeks however have been rather eventful.
Remember that video about the triathlete with the son who couldn't walk or run like his dad? Well, thanks to that clip, God is now forever etched in my mind as a hard sweating athlete - pulling, pushing and carrying me through the journey of life. Are we going to win anything? Are we going to reach the finish line and claim first prize? Will there be flashing lights and adoring fans? Probably not, if we follow the analogy's logic.
So what makes the journey so special then?
Well, if I were the paraplegic, I'm pretty much a worthless piece of crap. I can't feed myself, clothe myself and I'd probably need someone to help me wipe my ass when I'm done on the bowl. People will feel so sorry for me and secretly thank God they aren't in my shoes. So yes... I'd be a lousy drain on resources with nothing to give back to anyone.
What's the difference with that and what I am right now? I can't see why I should even be here. Not like I've saved anyone from a fiery death, or given my life for anything but selfish pleasures. I haven't been a good friend to very many people. In fact I'm plain moody and I have no respect for anyone. I'm too prideful and rebellious and I go around hurting people with my words. And I demand and demand and literally strangle the life and love out of people who care about me.
What am I worth?
Was reading this article on the net, about the male psyche and it said that man was made from dust... and to dust he shall return. So really, take away all he's worth and you see, a man is worth dust. Girls on the other hand, they're made from man. So if you strip away everything, achievements and all, she doesn't go back to being nothing, she goes back to him. She's defined by him in that sense. The article says that's why women can stand to be in abusive relationships for years. But guys, if you abuse them, you tell them the truth - they are truly and absolutely nothing. This is probably why men are obsessed with leaving a legacy after they die, cos no man wants to be a 'nothing'. I think that's why guys will always say to the girl, "If you leave me, I am nothing". The girl hardly says that. She doesn't have it in her psyche that she is 'nothing'. The male ego will forever about denying this nothingness.
But we're created by God, for God. As a man who belongs to him, if you strip me away, break my body and cut me down to size, I should go back to Him. That seems like the ultimate struggle then, creating my own worth versus letting God be God and simply finding myself in him.
Like that paraplegic son, to the rest of the world, he isn't worth crap. He dies and we show a sad face, but will anyone miss him? If I die now, I'm like a dot in the sea of humanity. In the grand scheme of things, well... people will eventually move on.
But just like the paraplegic, his worth is in his father's eyes. His father said he wouldn't dream of racing without his son. His son is the very reason he races. People will never understand and they will always ask if the 'burden' ever gets too heavy. But the father knows, and he will say, "He is my son, my own, my very own. I created him and I know him and he is mine."
It's not about being a burden. He loves running, swimming and cycling with his son. Without his son, all that will have so little meaning. Likewise, if that son takes his eyes off his father, and looks around him, he loses. He will strive till he sweats blood but will never match up to anything - because this is an imperfect world that demands perfection in return for love. Stupid isn't it? Something intrinsically flawed demanding flawlessness.
The journey becomes worthwhile, when I realize while I am nothing, God loves me all the same. He loves me first before anything else. He makes my life worth anything. My only struggle is keeping my eyes on him, and not comparing myself to the world around me. I cannot create my own worth. Love is like that. You either love someone or you don't. And when you love them, it includes all their flaws and their accomplishments.
There you go. The battle rages on, and I hope I can surrender more each day to being nothing - but the apple of His eye.
10:37 AM<3