This weekend will be different because i'll be looking for God. I've got these questions that i don't know what to do with. Maybe this weekend He might show up in church with a placard and the answers highlighted in green. Or in the midst of an alter call, and goop coming out of my nose, I'll feel someone shove a piece of paper into my hands. I'll open my eyes but no on will be around me and written in gold will be a divine message. Okay lah, i'll make it easy on Him - word of knowledge la... from the visiting preacher, good enough for me.
Or maybe not. I want the answers so i won't have to be so stressed out trusting Him. Shame on me. Shame, shame, shame. I already know i haven't got the world's strongest faith. So what about it being built up day by day? Does it mean it gets easier? Feels like God turns up the heat everytime you grasp something. You think yes! I undestand now and i know what it's all about. And then out of nowhere He prods your spirit a little... and you realise you know nothing. If anything, He's showing me the true content of my heart. It's simply f-ing demoralising to have to constantly beat down a monster that just won't f-ing die.
Fear is not my oldest friend, doubt is. Sorry Lord, i'll try again. Maybe Al Pacino was right when he likened life to a game of NFL football - you have to fight one inch at a time. Sometimes you have to claw your way through, other times, well... i just have to believe.
